Not All Who Wander Are Lost

I get lost in thought while driving ...tuning out Stori my daughter in the back seat, whatever I am listening to on Pandora and the outside noises. They all just fade and my mind wonders. I am not sure where it goes but when I snap out of it I don't know how I made it from point a to point b.
I love that I have a window above my kitchen sink. When I stand there and wash my hands my mind wonders. I rub and rub my hands together making as many suds as possible and rinse my hands under cold water all while gazing out the window and usually with a smile on my face. This small insignificant moment is one of my favorite things.
What I am getting at here is my mind wanders A LOT. 
Maybe I am bored with reality or living in regret of not taking advantage of reality. I like this wandering most of the time but I am afraid that when I look back my memories will be filled of being in la la land...of a time when I was building up a fictional universe. 
There is a lot going on in my life right now and several big changes are taking place soon and maybe I am trying to avoid it all because I am scared. UGH I don't know. Maybe these thoughts and thought habits are not useful and I'm wondering if I fall into that thought habit because I'd rather do that than think of things I really should be spending thought and energy on.
Or maybe I am just an outside-the-box thinker and during the times when I am in the "zone" I get my creativity. It is when I get most of my brilliant ideas. Maybe it is my bodies way of telling me I need more meditation???
I really have no idea what the answer is or if I am even looking for an answer this is just simply my $0.02. 
Maybe I should write a book about the life I live inside my head.

Home

Some days I am broken but for the most part I believe I am whole. They tell me from time to time that I am unorthodox, unconventional. I'll take that. So what if I am out in left field. I would rather love what I do and feel good about it than follow what others do and hate myself. Sometimes my days are too dark and my nights are way too long but that's MY life. I am used to it by now. I often trip over my own insecurities and I hope I recover from those falls some day, but for now I require attention. I always want to be wanted, desired more and more and I long for passion. I have so much to say. My words are just as important to me as the air that I breath but they fail me, often- my words, they fail me. So, I use music to speak. The lyrics always understand what I want to say. I often swallow my goodbyes because my faith has been run over so many times. Do we ever learn? I think so, after that gilded age you start to search for something different, something you can grasp. So what if I'm not her, or her. I am ME. And being me makes me happy. I love hard and with everything in me. I don't try to be who I am not. I accept I have many faults but I know even with those faults I deserve to be loved.

I hope where I end up feels like coming home to me.
I have no time for later now.

I AM

The me that I am today is a different me then you have ever seen before.

I am more and I am less. I am the deep breath and the breathless laughter, the residue of tears 

down lonely cheeks.

I am the sound of air filling and emptying filling and emptying filling and emptying your lungs as

you fall asleep.

I am the sunlight that shines through your broken windows and the pattern spilled onto your face in the dark, the creaking of the bed in the night as I roll into you.

I am the soft groan and whispered moan as your fingers cross the skin on my back.

I am the waiting. The terrible the beautiful and heart wrenching waiting. Be it for sleep, for you or for life to begin again.

I am the whisper of I love you and the vein straining scream of I NEED YOU, the red cheek glance of I want you and the tear soaked realization when I actually have you.

I am the breath leaving trembling lungs and the bravery or stupidity or BOTH at the promise of forever. 

I AM THE FOREVER.

I am the arms outstretched, the leap into the unknown and the promise to catch you if you fall.

I am all that I have become because you see me as no one else has or bothered to uncover.

I am what I am and that is enough because in the most honest and simple way to say all I have said, 

I am yours.

Meditation

If you have never meditated first off, you are not the only one but.....

 -You're missing out.- 

Meditation can bring you the most silent and peaceful level of consciousness. It can honestly be life changing, if you let it. Meditation can be done pretty much any where. Any action done with awareness is meditation. Meditation means to be fully aware of our actions, thoughts, feelings and emotions.

 It can be as easy as staring at the flame of a candle sitting in silence.  For example tonight  I sat down in the tub, and felt the water run over me while I closed my eyes for 20 deep, conscious breaths, focusing on nothing but my breathing. It did wonders. 

We as humans beings living in a chaotic world where we are constantly asked to give give give need to take time for ourselves. It makes us happy, therefore making others around us happy, as well and others around them and so on and so on. Remember we are, as I just said, human beings. Not human doings. SO JUST BE.

Try a meditation nap even. Be careful. This one is complex. Oh yes—it’s the love child of a meditation and a nap ;)

Lie down on a bed, couch,  or even pile your (empty) bath with pillows and blankets. Close your eyes and do nothing. Maybe you’ll fall asleep. Maybe you’ll have Zen inspiration. Maybe you’ll just happily float along. Either way, it will be sublime.

Sometimes when I just don't have the time I fake it....here me out... I make a little pact with myself. I say to myself:

“Okay self, we so don’t have to meditate for any pain-in-the-ass time at all. Let’s just do ten breaths.” And my logical brain says: “Ten breaths? You think I have time for ten breaths of meditation? Are you kidding me! I have stuff to do lady! We’re not on retreat you hippy!”

And I say: “Oh. I know you’re really busy. I really feel like I need this. You and me. Besides, it’s only for ten breaths.” Logical brain: “Fine. But only ten. And I’m counting.”

And then we do our ten breaths and it’s nice. And we either stop there because we feel like we’ve refreshed just enough, or we keep going for another ten or twenty because it just feels so good. Win win.

If you are a newbie at meditating you might need a little push ...When I first started and needed extra help in meditating, I used CDs. They’re like my own little personal guides into sweet-calm-space. Try out a few...see what works best for you. For me, it's the sound of the ocean.

For me, whenever I take 100 breaths, it’s kind of boring for the first 59. But then I hit 60, and for the next ten seconds, it feels like nirvana. I don’t know if it’s a rush of oxygen to the head, or just because I finally relax then, but whatever it is, 60 is good. And it makes those 59 seconds before it so very, very worth it. My little reward is the 60-second release.

It's different for everyone. Remember you are the expert on you. There are 6 billion paths to bliss, and your path is your own. Make it a happy one.

~To be alone and to be drunk with your own aloneness is what meditation is all about. Be in the world, but don't be of it~